I'm not sure if these thoughts should be shared out here in Internet land but I took my Ativan already and I'm feeling just a little free. I was feeling so anxious earlier tonight. I feel like I am so utterly alone. It's got the ability to totally freak me out. It has my whole life. Even when Sean was alive. Sometimes I would have these strange thoughts that nobody really know anybody else. That no matter how close we think we are, we really don't know anything. That at any moment, the people closest to you could do something that would completely surprise you and make you doubt every thing you ever knew to be true about them. Yep, these thoughts always seemed to come about once a month. You know, at that certain time of the month. Sean used to tease me about that. For a while, once a month, I'd say to him, "It feels like I don't even know you." He got used to it and it didn't phase him at all. He'd just tell me he loved me and then I'd feel all better in a couple days.
I guess tonight it feels different because now I really am alone. If Tucson were struck by a terrible disaster, would anyone think to look for me in the rubble? Would anyone call to see if I was OK? I know Sean would have come and dug me out if he had to. If I didn't have the kids, I'd have days go by without talking to anyone. It just hit me how selfish that sounds. There are so many lonely people out there in the world. So many people who live alone and have no real or close connection to anyone else. I just think that sort of life is so sad. It really freaks me out to think that I could have that kind of life. I want to be special to somebody.
Christopher told me he wants a new daddy. I asked if he meant for me to marry someone new who is not our daddy. He said yes. I told him that I want that too but that it just feels weird to think of having somebody else who isn't Daddy living in our house and being part of our family. He said he agrees. I told him I don't think that we are ready for a new daddy yet. He agreed.
Tonight I overheard Christopher telling Jake that they should have me marry someone else so they can have a new daddy. Maybe he feels ready already. I don't. I would like them to pray for a new daddy. I guess I have some issues with God because my next thought was, "and He better come through for them!" Why would I doubt Him? Not that I think He would have to answer their prayers by sending us a new daddy. I guess I've always feared God not coming through or just plain not being there at all. So I try not to ask Him for anything that I can feel let down about if He doesn't respond in the way I want Him too. I am realizing that that is my desire to be in control of things. I am afraid of God disappointing me by not doing things my way. How sad is that?
So, yes, I do want a new husband. I want to be special to somebody again. I want to find someone that has a lot in commn with me but that can open my world up to new things too. I want all those things for me as a woman. But there is so much more that is needed. I want any new husband that might come along to be a father to my children. I want him to father them the way Sean would have. I think that what I want is next to impossible. My boys are wonderful and amazing. Is there a man out there who can love them the way that Sean did? I just can't stand the thought of being married to someone who can't completely open his heart up to my boys. I don't want our family to have divisions. I don't want there to be any sides. I want us all to be on the same team and to have only one team. I never want it to be "us against them".
It just scared me to think of being all alone and not mattering to anybody. I knew that Sean would always be here for me. He cared so much about me. He was devoted to me. I was his and he was mine. I look around and I see so many people who have that still. Where do I fit in now? Will I lose friends because Sean is no longer here with us? You know how friends seem to come and go over time? Life keeps happening and the bonds ebb and flow. It's not anything that can be blamed on anybody. It's just the rhythm of life. Things in our home lives get busy or change and then our commitments to outside activities and friends change. I guess I'm just afraid in the ebb and flow of life that I will wash up on shore and dry out all by myself.
Getting pretty tired. The morning coffee is such a cheer bringing thought. I love my morning coffee. It's my best friend lately. I know I can always count on it to meet me every morning. We enjoy each other in peace and quiet and also together in the wild, crazy chaos of the morning with all the boys calling for attention. We have a quiet, unspoken bond as my cup silently follows me though the house. MMMM.......I can almost smell it now!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Heavy Conversation
I have a massive headache tonight. I've had a cold lately. Anyway, Christopher was having some real attitude/behavior issues today. It came to head at bedtime tonight. He got up out of bed and started making himself a glass of ice water after I had told him he could take his water bottle to bed. He knows he can't take a glass of water up on his top bunk. He knocked David's new freezer mug out of the freezer by accident and the handle broke off. I was upset with him for not respecting the bedtime routine and because he was doing his own thing instead of being obedient.
Christopher got really upset and went in his room to cry. Instead of doing what I felt like doing, I went in and sat down and held him while he cried. Jake came over and sat down on the other side of me. Jake gently told me that I should apologize to Christopher. It just hit me that he was doing the middle kid thing. He saw a conflict and he felt responsible to help us resolve it. I better come back to that with him. I can not let a 5 year old think he needs to be responsible for keeping us all together.
I let Christopher cry for a little while and then I asked him to tell me what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I acknowledged that he was upset. Christopher said he feels like everyone is always mean to him. He also told me he thinks I like my friends more than him. He told me he hurts his brothers to get my attention. That was eye opening. I explained negative and positive attention to them. I named off a bunch of things we could do together that would give them positive attention. Jake came up with some good ones.
It's hard to tell if these conversations are really getting through to them because Christopher goes from a few moments of serious conversation to a random question that has nothing to with what we are talking about. I know our conversation has made an impact on me. I'd like to see them start helping out a lot more with all the things that need to be done around here. It is a lot of work keeping a house up and running.
Now that I have to keep up the yard and the inside, it's mind-boggling if I think too much about it. I know it's extra work now because we have so much stuff to sort through and get rid off. I am working hard on finding a place for everything so everything can be easily accessible and we can put it back after we use it. I'm blown away by how much stuff we have and by how inefficiently I have been using the space we have.
So tonight was a good night. I think I got through to Christopher and Jake that I love them more than anything else in this world. When Jake was praying he said, "Thank You, God, for letting my mommy stay alive." That blew me away. So many thoughts. Does he blame God for "letting" Sean die? Has this affected Jake's relationship with God in a negative way? Does Jake blame God for Sean's death? I was honored that Jake loves me enough to thank God for my life. It breaks my heart to think that Jake would have any fear of me dying. I can't even reassure him that I won't, because how could I ever say that without really knowing? I know that I could die at any moment, for any reason, no matter how much I try to be healthy and safe. That is just a promise I couldn't keep.
God is renewing my commitment to bringing my boys up properly. Sean and I had spent a lot of time over the years discussing what was important to us for bringing up our children. We spent so much of our time together discussing what each boy was like and what their needs were. We even sat down together and worked on family mission statement. We talked about our vision for our family. We talked about what we wanted in life for the kids and what we needed to do to get them there. It was very purposeful. We didn't want them to become adults and wonder what happened. We know that you can't just leave it to chance and see what kind of adults they become. The boys are like bonsai trees. We need to watch them closely. We need to prune them and train them to grow the way we want them to.
I love those boys far too much to let them grow up without discipline. I will not let them become people that no one wants to be around. They have so much potential. I want to do everything I can to help them be everything wonderful that God created them to be. Lord, please continue to make me willing. Please bless me daily, hourly, moment by moment, with patience, peace, love, understanding and everything I will need to raise them each up the way you want them to be raised. Thank you for trusting them to me. I don't know why you chose to leave them with me as their only parent but I will take it as an honor. I know that you believe in my ability to do what they need. You know the whole story already. Thank you for preparing me for this most important task of my life here on Earth. I can see your hand in all that has been going on these last couple years in relation to getting us ready for this challenge. You are good all the time. Your steadfast love endures forever. Thank you, Jesus. I don't know why you picked me but I will be eternally greatfull.
Christopher got really upset and went in his room to cry. Instead of doing what I felt like doing, I went in and sat down and held him while he cried. Jake came over and sat down on the other side of me. Jake gently told me that I should apologize to Christopher. It just hit me that he was doing the middle kid thing. He saw a conflict and he felt responsible to help us resolve it. I better come back to that with him. I can not let a 5 year old think he needs to be responsible for keeping us all together.
I let Christopher cry for a little while and then I asked him to tell me what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I acknowledged that he was upset. Christopher said he feels like everyone is always mean to him. He also told me he thinks I like my friends more than him. He told me he hurts his brothers to get my attention. That was eye opening. I explained negative and positive attention to them. I named off a bunch of things we could do together that would give them positive attention. Jake came up with some good ones.
It's hard to tell if these conversations are really getting through to them because Christopher goes from a few moments of serious conversation to a random question that has nothing to with what we are talking about. I know our conversation has made an impact on me. I'd like to see them start helping out a lot more with all the things that need to be done around here. It is a lot of work keeping a house up and running.
Now that I have to keep up the yard and the inside, it's mind-boggling if I think too much about it. I know it's extra work now because we have so much stuff to sort through and get rid off. I am working hard on finding a place for everything so everything can be easily accessible and we can put it back after we use it. I'm blown away by how much stuff we have and by how inefficiently I have been using the space we have.
So tonight was a good night. I think I got through to Christopher and Jake that I love them more than anything else in this world. When Jake was praying he said, "Thank You, God, for letting my mommy stay alive." That blew me away. So many thoughts. Does he blame God for "letting" Sean die? Has this affected Jake's relationship with God in a negative way? Does Jake blame God for Sean's death? I was honored that Jake loves me enough to thank God for my life. It breaks my heart to think that Jake would have any fear of me dying. I can't even reassure him that I won't, because how could I ever say that without really knowing? I know that I could die at any moment, for any reason, no matter how much I try to be healthy and safe. That is just a promise I couldn't keep.
God is renewing my commitment to bringing my boys up properly. Sean and I had spent a lot of time over the years discussing what was important to us for bringing up our children. We spent so much of our time together discussing what each boy was like and what their needs were. We even sat down together and worked on family mission statement. We talked about our vision for our family. We talked about what we wanted in life for the kids and what we needed to do to get them there. It was very purposeful. We didn't want them to become adults and wonder what happened. We know that you can't just leave it to chance and see what kind of adults they become. The boys are like bonsai trees. We need to watch them closely. We need to prune them and train them to grow the way we want them to.
I love those boys far too much to let them grow up without discipline. I will not let them become people that no one wants to be around. They have so much potential. I want to do everything I can to help them be everything wonderful that God created them to be. Lord, please continue to make me willing. Please bless me daily, hourly, moment by moment, with patience, peace, love, understanding and everything I will need to raise them each up the way you want them to be raised. Thank you for trusting them to me. I don't know why you chose to leave them with me as their only parent but I will take it as an honor. I know that you believe in my ability to do what they need. You know the whole story already. Thank you for preparing me for this most important task of my life here on Earth. I can see your hand in all that has been going on these last couple years in relation to getting us ready for this challenge. You are good all the time. Your steadfast love endures forever. Thank you, Jesus. I don't know why you picked me but I will be eternally greatfull.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Something I miss.....
I realized tonight how much I miss adult conversation. Sean and I used to talk every morning and every evening. Now it seems I can go for days without really talking to anyone but the kids. It's different with them, not just because they're kids. It's the fact that I am in charge of them. It seems like most of what I say to them is instructions, correction, or finding out what they want. I am realizing how little we actually have conversations. I guess that is something to work on changing.
I feel really lonely lately. I miss Sean so much. I miss being half of a couple and I miss having a partner in our home life. He always had good ideas and was great with the boys. It was such a relief having him to step in with them when they pushed me or I just didn't know what to do. I miss having him here after the kids go to bed. It was so nice to spend the end of the day catching up and having our own time together.
I wonder what life will settle into. I don't like being alone. I want to find my fulfillment and meaning in God. I know that I made Sean into an idol in my life. I expected him to meet needs that only God can really meet. I looked to Sean for just about everything. And Sean was really good at meeting my needs. He took care of me so well. I fear I am sounding like a spoiled brat.
I guess I am worried that I will be alone and feel lonely for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I won't find any meaning in my life. I am also worried that I will fill Sean's place in my life with someone that I pick just to fill the gap. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Maybe He wants me to be single for the rest of my life. Right now, I can't imagine anyone being as good as Sean.
A few people have told me that God has something even better for me in my life. I always think about Sean. How could anyone or anything be better than Sean? It sounds impossible. I don't think that there is any promise of that for me. People have refered to the book of Job. Job was given back everything that was taken from him and extra too. I think his new wife and kids were much better people and much more loving to him. It would be great to be loved even better than Sean loved me. His love was amazing. Better would be out of this world!! So, I don't think God has ever promised to return what I've lost. I hope he sends me good love, I just don't know what form it will come as. Maybe it's through the family and friends He's given me. Maybe it's even through my kids.
I really don't know why this had to happen and why it had to happen this way. On one hand, I wish I never fell in with Sean at all. It might have been better to never know how good things could be. On the other hand, I am so thankful I got to be his wife for 9 years. He was becoming an amazing man. My dreamer was becoming a visionary, a man who could help people reach their potential. I loved watching him grow. I loved being his biggest fan, his loudest cheerleader. He had no idea how inspiring he was to me. I loved to see him go out each day to conquer the world.
Sean came up with so many ideas. They used to scare me until I realized that most of the time they were just ideas. For the last year or two of his life though, he was coming up with some really good ideas. The thing that made me so proud of him was that he was choosing the best ideas and doing what it took to see them through. I think that is what makes a person a visionary. A dreamer sits around thinking of all the things that could be done but never sees anything through to completion. Sean was gaining such focus. I hope he knew how proud of him I was. I guess he does now but it probably doesn't mean nearly as much. I'm sure that the presence of God is so spectacular.
I feel really lonely lately. I miss Sean so much. I miss being half of a couple and I miss having a partner in our home life. He always had good ideas and was great with the boys. It was such a relief having him to step in with them when they pushed me or I just didn't know what to do. I miss having him here after the kids go to bed. It was so nice to spend the end of the day catching up and having our own time together.
I wonder what life will settle into. I don't like being alone. I want to find my fulfillment and meaning in God. I know that I made Sean into an idol in my life. I expected him to meet needs that only God can really meet. I looked to Sean for just about everything. And Sean was really good at meeting my needs. He took care of me so well. I fear I am sounding like a spoiled brat.
I guess I am worried that I will be alone and feel lonely for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I won't find any meaning in my life. I am also worried that I will fill Sean's place in my life with someone that I pick just to fill the gap. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Maybe He wants me to be single for the rest of my life. Right now, I can't imagine anyone being as good as Sean.
A few people have told me that God has something even better for me in my life. I always think about Sean. How could anyone or anything be better than Sean? It sounds impossible. I don't think that there is any promise of that for me. People have refered to the book of Job. Job was given back everything that was taken from him and extra too. I think his new wife and kids were much better people and much more loving to him. It would be great to be loved even better than Sean loved me. His love was amazing. Better would be out of this world!! So, I don't think God has ever promised to return what I've lost. I hope he sends me good love, I just don't know what form it will come as. Maybe it's through the family and friends He's given me. Maybe it's even through my kids.
I really don't know why this had to happen and why it had to happen this way. On one hand, I wish I never fell in with Sean at all. It might have been better to never know how good things could be. On the other hand, I am so thankful I got to be his wife for 9 years. He was becoming an amazing man. My dreamer was becoming a visionary, a man who could help people reach their potential. I loved watching him grow. I loved being his biggest fan, his loudest cheerleader. He had no idea how inspiring he was to me. I loved to see him go out each day to conquer the world.
Sean came up with so many ideas. They used to scare me until I realized that most of the time they were just ideas. For the last year or two of his life though, he was coming up with some really good ideas. The thing that made me so proud of him was that he was choosing the best ideas and doing what it took to see them through. I think that is what makes a person a visionary. A dreamer sits around thinking of all the things that could be done but never sees anything through to completion. Sean was gaining such focus. I hope he knew how proud of him I was. I guess he does now but it probably doesn't mean nearly as much. I'm sure that the presence of God is so spectacular.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I should be in bed
I'm getting all crazy getting this house cleaned up. It seems to happen in cycles. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep the laundry and dishes going. Then other times, I want to clean and organize everything. I hope the cleaning and organizing tips the scales and I get somewhere with this house. I really want it to be a home. I want the boys to be comfortable here. I also want them to learn to pick up after themselves! If everything has a place, they will be able to put it back after they play with it. I think I am doing their future wives a big favor. :)
I feel optimistic about the future today. There is so much to do and the boys are a big responsibility. I just feel up to the challenge right now, I guess. I know I am loved and supported by a lot of amazing people. If God is for me, than who can be against me? It seems that He put me where I am exactly for this time. He knew what I would need. Thank you to everyone who is walking with us through this time in our lives!!!
I keep trying to look at my life as a very temporary situation. If I focus on God and the fact that this life isn't the main event, I am better able to deal with losing Sean. I am sad that I only got to be his wife for 9 years. Even when I get to heaven too, or Jesus comes back and heaven comes to this earth, I still won't be Sean's wife. I wonder if we will have any sort of special bond up there..... So anyway, back to my original thought. Knowing that my life here as I know it isn't really about me at all seems to help me a lot right now. I should be living this live to serve God and to love others with the love He gives me. That is my purpose. I could choose to live for myself and serve my own selfish desires, but what would that really get me? Meaningless and fleeting possessions and momentary bits of happiness, mixed in with a lot of pain and broken relationships.
So I am back in the game with the boys. My number one job on this planet right now is to raise them according to God's plan for them. If they all grow up knowing and serving Jesus, I will have done the job that I have been given. They are my top priority and I hope they remain there until they are healthy, joyful young men of God.
Please continue to pray for us. I might make it look easy but raising four boys is really quite a task!! :) LOL!! I guess what I should say is, although I usually try to make light of things, it really is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder if the positive attitude I try to convey covers up the truth of what's really going on with me. I have been joking with people from church that if you really want to know what's going on with me you'll have to read my blog. It's too much for me to tell you the bad parts or the deep emotions I'm feeling when we are face to face. I feel like I'm so strange to be that way but I'd guess I'm not alone.
I feel optimistic about the future today. There is so much to do and the boys are a big responsibility. I just feel up to the challenge right now, I guess. I know I am loved and supported by a lot of amazing people. If God is for me, than who can be against me? It seems that He put me where I am exactly for this time. He knew what I would need. Thank you to everyone who is walking with us through this time in our lives!!!
I keep trying to look at my life as a very temporary situation. If I focus on God and the fact that this life isn't the main event, I am better able to deal with losing Sean. I am sad that I only got to be his wife for 9 years. Even when I get to heaven too, or Jesus comes back and heaven comes to this earth, I still won't be Sean's wife. I wonder if we will have any sort of special bond up there..... So anyway, back to my original thought. Knowing that my life here as I know it isn't really about me at all seems to help me a lot right now. I should be living this live to serve God and to love others with the love He gives me. That is my purpose. I could choose to live for myself and serve my own selfish desires, but what would that really get me? Meaningless and fleeting possessions and momentary bits of happiness, mixed in with a lot of pain and broken relationships.
So I am back in the game with the boys. My number one job on this planet right now is to raise them according to God's plan for them. If they all grow up knowing and serving Jesus, I will have done the job that I have been given. They are my top priority and I hope they remain there until they are healthy, joyful young men of God.
Please continue to pray for us. I might make it look easy but raising four boys is really quite a task!! :) LOL!! I guess what I should say is, although I usually try to make light of things, it really is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder if the positive attitude I try to convey covers up the truth of what's really going on with me. I have been joking with people from church that if you really want to know what's going on with me you'll have to read my blog. It's too much for me to tell you the bad parts or the deep emotions I'm feeling when we are face to face. I feel like I'm so strange to be that way but I'd guess I'm not alone.
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