Going Under

Me, this morning, "I'm really sad because I miss Daddy."
Christopher, "I hardly ever think about Daddy anymore.  I have everything I need.  I don't even need a new Daddy."
I chose to focus on the "I have everything I need" statement.  I know that Christopher is not "over" the loss of his dad.  It will come up again over and over at various points in his life.  I am so thankful that he feels he has everything he needs.  God has been providing.  He is a father to the fatherless.

I wonder if/when I will feel like I have everything I need.  I miss Sean so much.  It is just getting harder and harder to feel alive without him.  Life is going on and I am trying to find the path for our family as it is now.  I know that our vision must change because we are missing an important part of our team, our leader.  I am now the leader and I must learn to stand strongly in that role.
I feel so unsure of everything right now.  I don't know where Christopher will go to 3rd grade next year, I don't know if God will provide private school for all three school age boys next year.  I don't know where I should be looking to buy a house for us that we can all fit in.  I know we need another bathroom.  I know we have to move, but where should we be?  It feels like a permanent choice since a mortgage is so binding.

I feel unsure of who will be around in our lives long term.  If the boys current school ends at 3rd grade, we will be moving on from there after a few years.  If the Bloom brothers get their dreams of moving to the country, they won't be here in town.  If church keeps growing, will we split into two churches?

It feels like there is nothing constant in my life.  I understand that life is all about changes and growth and that these are good things.  I just feel like I have no rock to cling to.  I don't what it looks like to only have Jesus as my rock.  I want some physical anchors in this world.  I have the boys and they need me to their anchor, so I will do my best.  I just feel like I don't know where we belong.  I feel like we are at the mercy of everyone else to take care of us.  I feel incomplete as a person and as a family without Sean.  I want to feel whole again.  I want to enjoy this life that God has given me.

I feel like I can't take anymore loss or big changes.  My good friend is getting married this spring and moving out of state.  I am so happy for her.  I think they will have a love like I knew with Sean.  True and genuine, coming together to be so much more than they could be on their own.  I will miss her so much but I am so happy to send her off into her "happily ever after."

It sure does seem like the better the boys are doing the worse I get.  I am internalizing all the stress of these big life decisions.  I have a headache all the time.  I have pain in my chest and armpits.  (Mammo showed nothing, I feel no lumps)  I really think that this is all related to me not knowing how to accept my own feelings and how to express them.  I have just been pushing them out and justifying everything and trying to be positive and always see the bright side.  But now I have a giant dark cloud inside of me that I can't escape from.