It's been so long since I posted anything. The Christmas season is upon us. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I guess I thought I'd just be so busy with all the excitement that I wouldn't miss Sean. I have really amazed myself with my foolish ideas about grieving. I have really tried to oversimplify it or just skip over it. I hate pity parties. I don't know how to grieve. I guess I've always moved on to new goals or wants when I didn't get what I wanted in the past. How do I move on from this when it's a loss that can never be made ok?
There is no way to replace Sean or to say that he wasn't truly amazing. I felt like I needed him and I couldn't live without him. I know that I can now, it's just that alot of times, I don't want to. I am going to be seeing a grief counselor because it's hard to enjoy anything lately. I want to deal with this all as openly as I can. I do want to get through it as quickly as I can. I think Sean would want me to meet this head on and not hide from any of the pain. I also think the kids deserve my best and I know I am not giving it to them right now. They deserve to have a healthy, happy mom who enjoys taking care of them and models what joyful living is all about.
I want to have my joy back again. God is bigger than my pain and I know He is in control and His ways are good and perfect. I hate that Sean died so young but I know I'm not seeing the whole story. Sean deserved to be rewarded with heaven. I think he is the best person I've ever known. I am happy for him that he finished the race and has been given his place in heaven.
I just hate it that we are left behind wondering how to live in his absence. I want to be a good enough mother to raise 4 little boys into wonderful men, even better than their father. That was what Sean wanted. If I can prepare 4 wonderful husbands, that alone will have a huge impact on the world. 4 young ladies will be able to be loved and cared for as God intended. 4 families will be out there in the world bringing God's kingdom to all who care to embrace it. That sounds like a wonderful and amazing thing to do with my life. I just need some help to be up to that challenge.
I am amazed by God's faithfulness in providing for us and sending people to love us. Thank you to the mystery givers from Phoenix and Tucson. I got a card recently and also one a while ago from Phoenix. I have no idea who you are but your gifts and your prayers are much appreciated. I have told people, "God sent us a gift today!" Thank you for doing God's work in providing for our physical needs but also for showing us the amazing power of love.
I can tell that people are praying for us because I know I wouldn't have made it this far with out a lot of spiritual intervention. Anything good that I have done is all the work of God in my life. I don't think I could have survived this experience without God pulling me through.
It blows me away that everyday more and more widows are being created. I hate that it is so common for families to go through what our family is going through. It is so sad that so many widows are really all alone in this world. I can't even imagine having to do this alone.
I am definitely fighting off depression right now. I can't go under, the boys are too important for me to lose anytime to it. Please pray for me to get a grip and for me to be able to go the extra mile with the boys in all situations. Please pray for the boys that they will make it through all this without emotional damage. I just hate it that they will have to miss their dad at every major event in their lives. I hate it that they had the best dad I've ever known and that they had to give him up so early. I hate it that Zeke never even had a chance at having any memories of his dad. Zeke loved Sean so much and he probably will never even know it as he grows up.
I think I could ramble on all night but I guess I better get to bed. It seems like I never want to get up in the morning anymore.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thoughts about blessings
I have been so blown away by God's love for us lately. He is providing for our every need and bringing amazing people into our lives. I just can't even express the wonder and mystery of it all. I guess no one can when trying to explain God.
Yesterday a group of people came over to do our yard work and load up all the junk that's been hanging around our yard for way too long. They filled a trailer so full that I don't even know how Kris is going to haul it away!
The gang was amazing. It was a mix of teens and grownups. Some of the adults had heard that the kids were coming to help and they asked if they could help too. It's amazing to me that teenagers would want to volunteer their time to me. I was not that kind of teen. I bet my life would have gone a lot differently if I was!
After all their hard work, they even offered to take us out for pizza. That was humbling too. I am learning to receive God's blessing without feeling ashamed or like I need to pay it all back. People hear God's call to help and they obey. It doesn't even have to be about me at all even though they are coming to serve me. If God calls, we better obey!
The verse of the day on my phone was John 8:36. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." That kept coming to mind as so much goodness was being showered upon us yesterday. God has set me free from shame. He doesn't want me to apologize for having needs. He is using my needs to show me His great love for me. He is bringing His body together to help us and to show us that we really are one great big family. There is no limit to what can be accomplished when we work together according to God's call for His purposes.
I'm looking forward to the day when my boys and I can be part of a work crew to bless someone else who needs it. I'm listening now for the Holy Spirit to guide me and show me what I can do right now to be a part of the "blessing cycle".
I know that people have different seasons of need and giving. I know that right now, we are in a season of need. But, we can still give in different ways. I find it all so amazing.
God is in control of everything. Sean used to say, "Don't worry about that, my Dad's the King." He would tell me that when I was worried about money or not having something that I thought we needed. He wanted me to know that God can provide all things in abundance for those who trust in Him. God is proving faithful every step of the way!
Yesterday I was telling Kris that I just couldn't believe all the things that were being taken care of for us. He said, "God just wants to show you how much He loves you." My first thought was, "Why didn't he just let Sean live?" But if He had, I never would have had all these opportunities to see God's love come through His people.
I might not have gotten to understand the way God's economy works. God owns everything. He lets us use it until it's time to pass it on to the next person that God wants it to go to. I love to see this in action. It's great when the thing that you are done with is the very thing that someone else is in need of. It's the same with our time and money. Not that we are done with it but that we can choose to use it to bless others. We are not all called for the same jobs or to give to the same people. It's great to know that if we are all listening to the Spirit, everything gets done and no one is overburdened or burned out.
I'm just starting to really get this and I'm sure I have much to learn. I am just so blown away by the way people are reaching out to help us. It seems like six months have gone by now and people should be forgetting about us. But they aren't. As lonely as life can feel sometimes, we are not alone. We are loved by the biggest God there ever could be and we are loved by lots of people. I don't understand why, but I know it's true.
Yesterday a group of people came over to do our yard work and load up all the junk that's been hanging around our yard for way too long. They filled a trailer so full that I don't even know how Kris is going to haul it away!
The gang was amazing. It was a mix of teens and grownups. Some of the adults had heard that the kids were coming to help and they asked if they could help too. It's amazing to me that teenagers would want to volunteer their time to me. I was not that kind of teen. I bet my life would have gone a lot differently if I was!
After all their hard work, they even offered to take us out for pizza. That was humbling too. I am learning to receive God's blessing without feeling ashamed or like I need to pay it all back. People hear God's call to help and they obey. It doesn't even have to be about me at all even though they are coming to serve me. If God calls, we better obey!
The verse of the day on my phone was John 8:36. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." That kept coming to mind as so much goodness was being showered upon us yesterday. God has set me free from shame. He doesn't want me to apologize for having needs. He is using my needs to show me His great love for me. He is bringing His body together to help us and to show us that we really are one great big family. There is no limit to what can be accomplished when we work together according to God's call for His purposes.
I'm looking forward to the day when my boys and I can be part of a work crew to bless someone else who needs it. I'm listening now for the Holy Spirit to guide me and show me what I can do right now to be a part of the "blessing cycle".
I know that people have different seasons of need and giving. I know that right now, we are in a season of need. But, we can still give in different ways. I find it all so amazing.
God is in control of everything. Sean used to say, "Don't worry about that, my Dad's the King." He would tell me that when I was worried about money or not having something that I thought we needed. He wanted me to know that God can provide all things in abundance for those who trust in Him. God is proving faithful every step of the way!
Yesterday I was telling Kris that I just couldn't believe all the things that were being taken care of for us. He said, "God just wants to show you how much He loves you." My first thought was, "Why didn't he just let Sean live?" But if He had, I never would have had all these opportunities to see God's love come through His people.
I might not have gotten to understand the way God's economy works. God owns everything. He lets us use it until it's time to pass it on to the next person that God wants it to go to. I love to see this in action. It's great when the thing that you are done with is the very thing that someone else is in need of. It's the same with our time and money. Not that we are done with it but that we can choose to use it to bless others. We are not all called for the same jobs or to give to the same people. It's great to know that if we are all listening to the Spirit, everything gets done and no one is overburdened or burned out.
I'm just starting to really get this and I'm sure I have much to learn. I am just so blown away by the way people are reaching out to help us. It seems like six months have gone by now and people should be forgetting about us. But they aren't. As lonely as life can feel sometimes, we are not alone. We are loved by the biggest God there ever could be and we are loved by lots of people. I don't understand why, but I know it's true.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
We have been so busy! Our pancake breakfast fundraiser was amazing. We raised almost enough to pay for the rest of the school year! I think we only need $145 to finish it up. How amazing!! There was a good turn out and it was lots of fun. So many people came to help out with the event that it all seemed to come together just right. Thank you helpers!!
We also had a birthday party for a friend here at our house last night. It was a big day but so full of fun and blessings. We had the privilege of meeting another Jacob who is 9 years old. He was so sweet and polite. After the party was over, Christopher told me that Jacob was sad for him because his dad died. I asked what Jacob said. Christopher told me that Jacob prayed with him. Wow! What an amazing kid!
I can't believe how busy we have been. It's good to keep us going but I am ready for a break. It's just that the boys aren't really into resting at this point in life. I think we'll go out to pick some fruit today. At least I'll be sitting down while I drive us out there!
We camped at Lake Roosevelt last weekend. After getting home and sleeping on it, I determined that it was a good trip and we would do it again. It was hard for me emotionally but also good for me to know that camping is doable without Sean. My friends took some of the burden off of me so I could ease into the whole thing without Sean. They took care of all the meals and helped out so much with the boys. They had the big kids out on a boat all day Saturday. Boy did they sleep good that night!!
Although it's been really hard lately for me in the grief process, I am also seeing God's love too. I am learning to really lean on Him and seek him out in ways that I most likely never would have before losing Sean. Sean was my spiritual leader and so full of wisdom that I would usually take the easy way and just go ask Sean. It's alot different to pray and listen and wait for an answer. God's voice and leading are so different. It seems though, that we are actually starting to have conversations. I hadn't really experienced that before. It's true that we have to practice the presence of God. He's always there, we just don't really know how to tune into Him. Lord, please keep growing me. I want to hear and obey!
I don't understand why Sean couldn't stay here to finish this race with me. I do see all the growth in my life and in those around me. I do see Sean's life and death making an impact on others. Sometimes I think really pessimistic thoughts about life and humanity. It seems that people live and die and don't really matter much after they pass on. We make people so important while they are with us and then just forget about them when they are no longer present. I want Sean's life and death to matter for a long time to come. I want to see people making positive changes in their lives because of Sean's example. I want to pass on all the amaziing things about Sean to his sons.
Sean was creating a legacy of involved and loving fathering. He was changing the whole course of our family tree. We both grew up pretty distant from our fathers. We both felt the heartache of having that longing for something more. Sean was not going to let our boys feel that. He lived for family time. It makes no sense to me why a man whose primary desire was to be here for his family had to die so young. So many men are out there living for themselves and just giving the minimum to their wives and children. Why did a man who was wanting to help other men love and serve their families have to leave this world so early? He was doing so much that seemed so important. I know that God can continue that work through anybody. I just wish it was through Sean. I would love to go back to the comfortable life we had together. Boy was it good!
I miss Sean's strength and love. I miss him touching me. I miss the snuggles and looking into his eyes. I miss his hugs after having a hard day. I miss talking to him over coffee in the morning. I miss rubbing his back and arms while he drifted off to sleep. I miss seeing him walk in the door. I miss seeing the boys light up and go running out to greet him. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his big shoes. I miss putting away his laundry. I miss dinner conversations. I miss seeing Sean get the boys motivated to clean up after dinner. I miss his kisses and his soft but scratchy neck. I miss holding his hand at church. I miss just about everything about him.
We also had a birthday party for a friend here at our house last night. It was a big day but so full of fun and blessings. We had the privilege of meeting another Jacob who is 9 years old. He was so sweet and polite. After the party was over, Christopher told me that Jacob was sad for him because his dad died. I asked what Jacob said. Christopher told me that Jacob prayed with him. Wow! What an amazing kid!
I can't believe how busy we have been. It's good to keep us going but I am ready for a break. It's just that the boys aren't really into resting at this point in life. I think we'll go out to pick some fruit today. At least I'll be sitting down while I drive us out there!
We camped at Lake Roosevelt last weekend. After getting home and sleeping on it, I determined that it was a good trip and we would do it again. It was hard for me emotionally but also good for me to know that camping is doable without Sean. My friends took some of the burden off of me so I could ease into the whole thing without Sean. They took care of all the meals and helped out so much with the boys. They had the big kids out on a boat all day Saturday. Boy did they sleep good that night!!
Although it's been really hard lately for me in the grief process, I am also seeing God's love too. I am learning to really lean on Him and seek him out in ways that I most likely never would have before losing Sean. Sean was my spiritual leader and so full of wisdom that I would usually take the easy way and just go ask Sean. It's alot different to pray and listen and wait for an answer. God's voice and leading are so different. It seems though, that we are actually starting to have conversations. I hadn't really experienced that before. It's true that we have to practice the presence of God. He's always there, we just don't really know how to tune into Him. Lord, please keep growing me. I want to hear and obey!
I don't understand why Sean couldn't stay here to finish this race with me. I do see all the growth in my life and in those around me. I do see Sean's life and death making an impact on others. Sometimes I think really pessimistic thoughts about life and humanity. It seems that people live and die and don't really matter much after they pass on. We make people so important while they are with us and then just forget about them when they are no longer present. I want Sean's life and death to matter for a long time to come. I want to see people making positive changes in their lives because of Sean's example. I want to pass on all the amaziing things about Sean to his sons.
Sean was creating a legacy of involved and loving fathering. He was changing the whole course of our family tree. We both grew up pretty distant from our fathers. We both felt the heartache of having that longing for something more. Sean was not going to let our boys feel that. He lived for family time. It makes no sense to me why a man whose primary desire was to be here for his family had to die so young. So many men are out there living for themselves and just giving the minimum to their wives and children. Why did a man who was wanting to help other men love and serve their families have to leave this world so early? He was doing so much that seemed so important. I know that God can continue that work through anybody. I just wish it was through Sean. I would love to go back to the comfortable life we had together. Boy was it good!
I miss Sean's strength and love. I miss him touching me. I miss the snuggles and looking into his eyes. I miss his hugs after having a hard day. I miss talking to him over coffee in the morning. I miss rubbing his back and arms while he drifted off to sleep. I miss seeing him walk in the door. I miss seeing the boys light up and go running out to greet him. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his big shoes. I miss putting away his laundry. I miss dinner conversations. I miss seeing Sean get the boys motivated to clean up after dinner. I miss his kisses and his soft but scratchy neck. I miss holding his hand at church. I miss just about everything about him.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Coffee with God?
Wouldn't it be great to go for coffee with God?
"Hello, God. So nice of You to meet me here. How did You know just what sort of drink I was in the mood for?"
So, I just have some questions for You, God. What am I supposed to be doing with my life right now? Last night our pastor talked about the paralytic man who had these excuses for why he never got healed. He didn't want to answer the question, Do you want to be healed? Well, I don't even know what my excuses are.
I did realize that I still haven't really developed much patience. I always think I am making progress and maybe I am. I guess I might just mistake my progress for having completed the process. Guess that comes with death. Or will I be impatiently waiting to get to heaven? "What took you so long, God? I was expecting to see You sooner."
So, why don't I want to be healed? Or, why won't I let Jesus heal me? Maybe I think I have to do it all. Or be DOING it. Maybe I don't want to let Jesus do it for me. Maybe I'm afraid He'll let me down. Yeah, like He won't do it the way I want and I won't like it. Why am I so afraid to let Him do his thing? I can see that my ways aren't very effective. I think my main fear is that God won't do anything. What if He really doesn't care? I know He is real and I know that He is good. I guess I just wonder if I matter to Him. Did He really create ME in "an amazing and wonderful way"? It seems so silly to say when I see it in writing. But it's something deep inside me that I seem to wrestle with frequently. I can see how self centered the thinking is.
So back to the what am I supposed to be doing right now question. I have no idea how to grieve. I have come to see emotions as weakness over the years. During my childhood and teenage years I decided to give up feelings. They just seemed to make trouble and cause pain. So I stuffed them away and tried to focus on good times and fun. I decided that if I didn't value myself, I would never be underestimated by anybody else. Then I could never be disappointed. Any act of kindness or display of love shown to me would just be bonus.
So now what? I am supposed to be sad right now. Sean was amazing and it would be so dishonoring to him to not be sad. I am devastated. I am still in shock I think. I'm still asking myself how this happened. But that deep down inside protection mechanism keeps trying to block it all out. My inner peoples are fighting like crazy. No wonder I'm so dang tired lately. There's a war going on so deep in there that I'm not even fully aware of it. I went so crazy right after Sean died that I couldn't see it at all. I'm scared I'm still loony but completely unaware of it. Sean would always call me on my crazy thoughts. He was just so awesome. I really miss his insight and his gentle strength.
"Hello, God. So nice of You to meet me here. How did You know just what sort of drink I was in the mood for?"
So, I just have some questions for You, God. What am I supposed to be doing with my life right now? Last night our pastor talked about the paralytic man who had these excuses for why he never got healed. He didn't want to answer the question, Do you want to be healed? Well, I don't even know what my excuses are.
I did realize that I still haven't really developed much patience. I always think I am making progress and maybe I am. I guess I might just mistake my progress for having completed the process. Guess that comes with death. Or will I be impatiently waiting to get to heaven? "What took you so long, God? I was expecting to see You sooner."
So, why don't I want to be healed? Or, why won't I let Jesus heal me? Maybe I think I have to do it all. Or be DOING it. Maybe I don't want to let Jesus do it for me. Maybe I'm afraid He'll let me down. Yeah, like He won't do it the way I want and I won't like it. Why am I so afraid to let Him do his thing? I can see that my ways aren't very effective. I think my main fear is that God won't do anything. What if He really doesn't care? I know He is real and I know that He is good. I guess I just wonder if I matter to Him. Did He really create ME in "an amazing and wonderful way"? It seems so silly to say when I see it in writing. But it's something deep inside me that I seem to wrestle with frequently. I can see how self centered the thinking is.
So back to the what am I supposed to be doing right now question. I have no idea how to grieve. I have come to see emotions as weakness over the years. During my childhood and teenage years I decided to give up feelings. They just seemed to make trouble and cause pain. So I stuffed them away and tried to focus on good times and fun. I decided that if I didn't value myself, I would never be underestimated by anybody else. Then I could never be disappointed. Any act of kindness or display of love shown to me would just be bonus.
So now what? I am supposed to be sad right now. Sean was amazing and it would be so dishonoring to him to not be sad. I am devastated. I am still in shock I think. I'm still asking myself how this happened. But that deep down inside protection mechanism keeps trying to block it all out. My inner peoples are fighting like crazy. No wonder I'm so dang tired lately. There's a war going on so deep in there that I'm not even fully aware of it. I went so crazy right after Sean died that I couldn't see it at all. I'm scared I'm still loony but completely unaware of it. Sean would always call me on my crazy thoughts. He was just so awesome. I really miss his insight and his gentle strength.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Feeling a little crazy tonight.
I'm not sure if these thoughts should be shared out here in Internet land but I took my Ativan already and I'm feeling just a little free. I was feeling so anxious earlier tonight. I feel like I am so utterly alone. It's got the ability to totally freak me out. It has my whole life. Even when Sean was alive. Sometimes I would have these strange thoughts that nobody really know anybody else. That no matter how close we think we are, we really don't know anything. That at any moment, the people closest to you could do something that would completely surprise you and make you doubt every thing you ever knew to be true about them. Yep, these thoughts always seemed to come about once a month. You know, at that certain time of the month. Sean used to tease me about that. For a while, once a month, I'd say to him, "It feels like I don't even know you." He got used to it and it didn't phase him at all. He'd just tell me he loved me and then I'd feel all better in a couple days.
I guess tonight it feels different because now I really am alone. If Tucson were struck by a terrible disaster, would anyone think to look for me in the rubble? Would anyone call to see if I was OK? I know Sean would have come and dug me out if he had to. If I didn't have the kids, I'd have days go by without talking to anyone. It just hit me how selfish that sounds. There are so many lonely people out there in the world. So many people who live alone and have no real or close connection to anyone else. I just think that sort of life is so sad. It really freaks me out to think that I could have that kind of life. I want to be special to somebody.
Christopher told me he wants a new daddy. I asked if he meant for me to marry someone new who is not our daddy. He said yes. I told him that I want that too but that it just feels weird to think of having somebody else who isn't Daddy living in our house and being part of our family. He said he agrees. I told him I don't think that we are ready for a new daddy yet. He agreed.
Tonight I overheard Christopher telling Jake that they should have me marry someone else so they can have a new daddy. Maybe he feels ready already. I don't. I would like them to pray for a new daddy. I guess I have some issues with God because my next thought was, "and He better come through for them!" Why would I doubt Him? Not that I think He would have to answer their prayers by sending us a new daddy. I guess I've always feared God not coming through or just plain not being there at all. So I try not to ask Him for anything that I can feel let down about if He doesn't respond in the way I want Him too. I am realizing that that is my desire to be in control of things. I am afraid of God disappointing me by not doing things my way. How sad is that?
So, yes, I do want a new husband. I want to be special to somebody again. I want to find someone that has a lot in commn with me but that can open my world up to new things too. I want all those things for me as a woman. But there is so much more that is needed. I want any new husband that might come along to be a father to my children. I want him to father them the way Sean would have. I think that what I want is next to impossible. My boys are wonderful and amazing. Is there a man out there who can love them the way that Sean did? I just can't stand the thought of being married to someone who can't completely open his heart up to my boys. I don't want our family to have divisions. I don't want there to be any sides. I want us all to be on the same team and to have only one team. I never want it to be "us against them".
It just scared me to think of being all alone and not mattering to anybody. I knew that Sean would always be here for me. He cared so much about me. He was devoted to me. I was his and he was mine. I look around and I see so many people who have that still. Where do I fit in now? Will I lose friends because Sean is no longer here with us? You know how friends seem to come and go over time? Life keeps happening and the bonds ebb and flow. It's not anything that can be blamed on anybody. It's just the rhythm of life. Things in our home lives get busy or change and then our commitments to outside activities and friends change. I guess I'm just afraid in the ebb and flow of life that I will wash up on shore and dry out all by myself.
Getting pretty tired. The morning coffee is such a cheer bringing thought. I love my morning coffee. It's my best friend lately. I know I can always count on it to meet me every morning. We enjoy each other in peace and quiet and also together in the wild, crazy chaos of the morning with all the boys calling for attention. We have a quiet, unspoken bond as my cup silently follows me though the house. MMMM.......I can almost smell it now!
I guess tonight it feels different because now I really am alone. If Tucson were struck by a terrible disaster, would anyone think to look for me in the rubble? Would anyone call to see if I was OK? I know Sean would have come and dug me out if he had to. If I didn't have the kids, I'd have days go by without talking to anyone. It just hit me how selfish that sounds. There are so many lonely people out there in the world. So many people who live alone and have no real or close connection to anyone else. I just think that sort of life is so sad. It really freaks me out to think that I could have that kind of life. I want to be special to somebody.
Christopher told me he wants a new daddy. I asked if he meant for me to marry someone new who is not our daddy. He said yes. I told him that I want that too but that it just feels weird to think of having somebody else who isn't Daddy living in our house and being part of our family. He said he agrees. I told him I don't think that we are ready for a new daddy yet. He agreed.
Tonight I overheard Christopher telling Jake that they should have me marry someone else so they can have a new daddy. Maybe he feels ready already. I don't. I would like them to pray for a new daddy. I guess I have some issues with God because my next thought was, "and He better come through for them!" Why would I doubt Him? Not that I think He would have to answer their prayers by sending us a new daddy. I guess I've always feared God not coming through or just plain not being there at all. So I try not to ask Him for anything that I can feel let down about if He doesn't respond in the way I want Him too. I am realizing that that is my desire to be in control of things. I am afraid of God disappointing me by not doing things my way. How sad is that?
So, yes, I do want a new husband. I want to be special to somebody again. I want to find someone that has a lot in commn with me but that can open my world up to new things too. I want all those things for me as a woman. But there is so much more that is needed. I want any new husband that might come along to be a father to my children. I want him to father them the way Sean would have. I think that what I want is next to impossible. My boys are wonderful and amazing. Is there a man out there who can love them the way that Sean did? I just can't stand the thought of being married to someone who can't completely open his heart up to my boys. I don't want our family to have divisions. I don't want there to be any sides. I want us all to be on the same team and to have only one team. I never want it to be "us against them".
It just scared me to think of being all alone and not mattering to anybody. I knew that Sean would always be here for me. He cared so much about me. He was devoted to me. I was his and he was mine. I look around and I see so many people who have that still. Where do I fit in now? Will I lose friends because Sean is no longer here with us? You know how friends seem to come and go over time? Life keeps happening and the bonds ebb and flow. It's not anything that can be blamed on anybody. It's just the rhythm of life. Things in our home lives get busy or change and then our commitments to outside activities and friends change. I guess I'm just afraid in the ebb and flow of life that I will wash up on shore and dry out all by myself.
Getting pretty tired. The morning coffee is such a cheer bringing thought. I love my morning coffee. It's my best friend lately. I know I can always count on it to meet me every morning. We enjoy each other in peace and quiet and also together in the wild, crazy chaos of the morning with all the boys calling for attention. We have a quiet, unspoken bond as my cup silently follows me though the house. MMMM.......I can almost smell it now!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Heavy Conversation
I have a massive headache tonight. I've had a cold lately. Anyway, Christopher was having some real attitude/behavior issues today. It came to head at bedtime tonight. He got up out of bed and started making himself a glass of ice water after I had told him he could take his water bottle to bed. He knows he can't take a glass of water up on his top bunk. He knocked David's new freezer mug out of the freezer by accident and the handle broke off. I was upset with him for not respecting the bedtime routine and because he was doing his own thing instead of being obedient.
Christopher got really upset and went in his room to cry. Instead of doing what I felt like doing, I went in and sat down and held him while he cried. Jake came over and sat down on the other side of me. Jake gently told me that I should apologize to Christopher. It just hit me that he was doing the middle kid thing. He saw a conflict and he felt responsible to help us resolve it. I better come back to that with him. I can not let a 5 year old think he needs to be responsible for keeping us all together.
I let Christopher cry for a little while and then I asked him to tell me what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I acknowledged that he was upset. Christopher said he feels like everyone is always mean to him. He also told me he thinks I like my friends more than him. He told me he hurts his brothers to get my attention. That was eye opening. I explained negative and positive attention to them. I named off a bunch of things we could do together that would give them positive attention. Jake came up with some good ones.
It's hard to tell if these conversations are really getting through to them because Christopher goes from a few moments of serious conversation to a random question that has nothing to with what we are talking about. I know our conversation has made an impact on me. I'd like to see them start helping out a lot more with all the things that need to be done around here. It is a lot of work keeping a house up and running.
Now that I have to keep up the yard and the inside, it's mind-boggling if I think too much about it. I know it's extra work now because we have so much stuff to sort through and get rid off. I am working hard on finding a place for everything so everything can be easily accessible and we can put it back after we use it. I'm blown away by how much stuff we have and by how inefficiently I have been using the space we have.
So tonight was a good night. I think I got through to Christopher and Jake that I love them more than anything else in this world. When Jake was praying he said, "Thank You, God, for letting my mommy stay alive." That blew me away. So many thoughts. Does he blame God for "letting" Sean die? Has this affected Jake's relationship with God in a negative way? Does Jake blame God for Sean's death? I was honored that Jake loves me enough to thank God for my life. It breaks my heart to think that Jake would have any fear of me dying. I can't even reassure him that I won't, because how could I ever say that without really knowing? I know that I could die at any moment, for any reason, no matter how much I try to be healthy and safe. That is just a promise I couldn't keep.
God is renewing my commitment to bringing my boys up properly. Sean and I had spent a lot of time over the years discussing what was important to us for bringing up our children. We spent so much of our time together discussing what each boy was like and what their needs were. We even sat down together and worked on family mission statement. We talked about our vision for our family. We talked about what we wanted in life for the kids and what we needed to do to get them there. It was very purposeful. We didn't want them to become adults and wonder what happened. We know that you can't just leave it to chance and see what kind of adults they become. The boys are like bonsai trees. We need to watch them closely. We need to prune them and train them to grow the way we want them to.
I love those boys far too much to let them grow up without discipline. I will not let them become people that no one wants to be around. They have so much potential. I want to do everything I can to help them be everything wonderful that God created them to be. Lord, please continue to make me willing. Please bless me daily, hourly, moment by moment, with patience, peace, love, understanding and everything I will need to raise them each up the way you want them to be raised. Thank you for trusting them to me. I don't know why you chose to leave them with me as their only parent but I will take it as an honor. I know that you believe in my ability to do what they need. You know the whole story already. Thank you for preparing me for this most important task of my life here on Earth. I can see your hand in all that has been going on these last couple years in relation to getting us ready for this challenge. You are good all the time. Your steadfast love endures forever. Thank you, Jesus. I don't know why you picked me but I will be eternally greatfull.
Christopher got really upset and went in his room to cry. Instead of doing what I felt like doing, I went in and sat down and held him while he cried. Jake came over and sat down on the other side of me. Jake gently told me that I should apologize to Christopher. It just hit me that he was doing the middle kid thing. He saw a conflict and he felt responsible to help us resolve it. I better come back to that with him. I can not let a 5 year old think he needs to be responsible for keeping us all together.
I let Christopher cry for a little while and then I asked him to tell me what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I acknowledged that he was upset. Christopher said he feels like everyone is always mean to him. He also told me he thinks I like my friends more than him. He told me he hurts his brothers to get my attention. That was eye opening. I explained negative and positive attention to them. I named off a bunch of things we could do together that would give them positive attention. Jake came up with some good ones.
It's hard to tell if these conversations are really getting through to them because Christopher goes from a few moments of serious conversation to a random question that has nothing to with what we are talking about. I know our conversation has made an impact on me. I'd like to see them start helping out a lot more with all the things that need to be done around here. It is a lot of work keeping a house up and running.
Now that I have to keep up the yard and the inside, it's mind-boggling if I think too much about it. I know it's extra work now because we have so much stuff to sort through and get rid off. I am working hard on finding a place for everything so everything can be easily accessible and we can put it back after we use it. I'm blown away by how much stuff we have and by how inefficiently I have been using the space we have.
So tonight was a good night. I think I got through to Christopher and Jake that I love them more than anything else in this world. When Jake was praying he said, "Thank You, God, for letting my mommy stay alive." That blew me away. So many thoughts. Does he blame God for "letting" Sean die? Has this affected Jake's relationship with God in a negative way? Does Jake blame God for Sean's death? I was honored that Jake loves me enough to thank God for my life. It breaks my heart to think that Jake would have any fear of me dying. I can't even reassure him that I won't, because how could I ever say that without really knowing? I know that I could die at any moment, for any reason, no matter how much I try to be healthy and safe. That is just a promise I couldn't keep.
God is renewing my commitment to bringing my boys up properly. Sean and I had spent a lot of time over the years discussing what was important to us for bringing up our children. We spent so much of our time together discussing what each boy was like and what their needs were. We even sat down together and worked on family mission statement. We talked about our vision for our family. We talked about what we wanted in life for the kids and what we needed to do to get them there. It was very purposeful. We didn't want them to become adults and wonder what happened. We know that you can't just leave it to chance and see what kind of adults they become. The boys are like bonsai trees. We need to watch them closely. We need to prune them and train them to grow the way we want them to.
I love those boys far too much to let them grow up without discipline. I will not let them become people that no one wants to be around. They have so much potential. I want to do everything I can to help them be everything wonderful that God created them to be. Lord, please continue to make me willing. Please bless me daily, hourly, moment by moment, with patience, peace, love, understanding and everything I will need to raise them each up the way you want them to be raised. Thank you for trusting them to me. I don't know why you chose to leave them with me as their only parent but I will take it as an honor. I know that you believe in my ability to do what they need. You know the whole story already. Thank you for preparing me for this most important task of my life here on Earth. I can see your hand in all that has been going on these last couple years in relation to getting us ready for this challenge. You are good all the time. Your steadfast love endures forever. Thank you, Jesus. I don't know why you picked me but I will be eternally greatfull.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Something I miss.....
I realized tonight how much I miss adult conversation. Sean and I used to talk every morning and every evening. Now it seems I can go for days without really talking to anyone but the kids. It's different with them, not just because they're kids. It's the fact that I am in charge of them. It seems like most of what I say to them is instructions, correction, or finding out what they want. I am realizing how little we actually have conversations. I guess that is something to work on changing.
I feel really lonely lately. I miss Sean so much. I miss being half of a couple and I miss having a partner in our home life. He always had good ideas and was great with the boys. It was such a relief having him to step in with them when they pushed me or I just didn't know what to do. I miss having him here after the kids go to bed. It was so nice to spend the end of the day catching up and having our own time together.
I wonder what life will settle into. I don't like being alone. I want to find my fulfillment and meaning in God. I know that I made Sean into an idol in my life. I expected him to meet needs that only God can really meet. I looked to Sean for just about everything. And Sean was really good at meeting my needs. He took care of me so well. I fear I am sounding like a spoiled brat.
I guess I am worried that I will be alone and feel lonely for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I won't find any meaning in my life. I am also worried that I will fill Sean's place in my life with someone that I pick just to fill the gap. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Maybe He wants me to be single for the rest of my life. Right now, I can't imagine anyone being as good as Sean.
A few people have told me that God has something even better for me in my life. I always think about Sean. How could anyone or anything be better than Sean? It sounds impossible. I don't think that there is any promise of that for me. People have refered to the book of Job. Job was given back everything that was taken from him and extra too. I think his new wife and kids were much better people and much more loving to him. It would be great to be loved even better than Sean loved me. His love was amazing. Better would be out of this world!! So, I don't think God has ever promised to return what I've lost. I hope he sends me good love, I just don't know what form it will come as. Maybe it's through the family and friends He's given me. Maybe it's even through my kids.
I really don't know why this had to happen and why it had to happen this way. On one hand, I wish I never fell in with Sean at all. It might have been better to never know how good things could be. On the other hand, I am so thankful I got to be his wife for 9 years. He was becoming an amazing man. My dreamer was becoming a visionary, a man who could help people reach their potential. I loved watching him grow. I loved being his biggest fan, his loudest cheerleader. He had no idea how inspiring he was to me. I loved to see him go out each day to conquer the world.
Sean came up with so many ideas. They used to scare me until I realized that most of the time they were just ideas. For the last year or two of his life though, he was coming up with some really good ideas. The thing that made me so proud of him was that he was choosing the best ideas and doing what it took to see them through. I think that is what makes a person a visionary. A dreamer sits around thinking of all the things that could be done but never sees anything through to completion. Sean was gaining such focus. I hope he knew how proud of him I was. I guess he does now but it probably doesn't mean nearly as much. I'm sure that the presence of God is so spectacular.
I feel really lonely lately. I miss Sean so much. I miss being half of a couple and I miss having a partner in our home life. He always had good ideas and was great with the boys. It was such a relief having him to step in with them when they pushed me or I just didn't know what to do. I miss having him here after the kids go to bed. It was so nice to spend the end of the day catching up and having our own time together.
I wonder what life will settle into. I don't like being alone. I want to find my fulfillment and meaning in God. I know that I made Sean into an idol in my life. I expected him to meet needs that only God can really meet. I looked to Sean for just about everything. And Sean was really good at meeting my needs. He took care of me so well. I fear I am sounding like a spoiled brat.
I guess I am worried that I will be alone and feel lonely for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I won't find any meaning in my life. I am also worried that I will fill Sean's place in my life with someone that I pick just to fill the gap. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Maybe He wants me to be single for the rest of my life. Right now, I can't imagine anyone being as good as Sean.
A few people have told me that God has something even better for me in my life. I always think about Sean. How could anyone or anything be better than Sean? It sounds impossible. I don't think that there is any promise of that for me. People have refered to the book of Job. Job was given back everything that was taken from him and extra too. I think his new wife and kids were much better people and much more loving to him. It would be great to be loved even better than Sean loved me. His love was amazing. Better would be out of this world!! So, I don't think God has ever promised to return what I've lost. I hope he sends me good love, I just don't know what form it will come as. Maybe it's through the family and friends He's given me. Maybe it's even through my kids.
I really don't know why this had to happen and why it had to happen this way. On one hand, I wish I never fell in with Sean at all. It might have been better to never know how good things could be. On the other hand, I am so thankful I got to be his wife for 9 years. He was becoming an amazing man. My dreamer was becoming a visionary, a man who could help people reach their potential. I loved watching him grow. I loved being his biggest fan, his loudest cheerleader. He had no idea how inspiring he was to me. I loved to see him go out each day to conquer the world.
Sean came up with so many ideas. They used to scare me until I realized that most of the time they were just ideas. For the last year or two of his life though, he was coming up with some really good ideas. The thing that made me so proud of him was that he was choosing the best ideas and doing what it took to see them through. I think that is what makes a person a visionary. A dreamer sits around thinking of all the things that could be done but never sees anything through to completion. Sean was gaining such focus. I hope he knew how proud of him I was. I guess he does now but it probably doesn't mean nearly as much. I'm sure that the presence of God is so spectacular.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I should be in bed
I'm getting all crazy getting this house cleaned up. It seems to happen in cycles. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep the laundry and dishes going. Then other times, I want to clean and organize everything. I hope the cleaning and organizing tips the scales and I get somewhere with this house. I really want it to be a home. I want the boys to be comfortable here. I also want them to learn to pick up after themselves! If everything has a place, they will be able to put it back after they play with it. I think I am doing their future wives a big favor. :)
I feel optimistic about the future today. There is so much to do and the boys are a big responsibility. I just feel up to the challenge right now, I guess. I know I am loved and supported by a lot of amazing people. If God is for me, than who can be against me? It seems that He put me where I am exactly for this time. He knew what I would need. Thank you to everyone who is walking with us through this time in our lives!!!
I keep trying to look at my life as a very temporary situation. If I focus on God and the fact that this life isn't the main event, I am better able to deal with losing Sean. I am sad that I only got to be his wife for 9 years. Even when I get to heaven too, or Jesus comes back and heaven comes to this earth, I still won't be Sean's wife. I wonder if we will have any sort of special bond up there..... So anyway, back to my original thought. Knowing that my life here as I know it isn't really about me at all seems to help me a lot right now. I should be living this live to serve God and to love others with the love He gives me. That is my purpose. I could choose to live for myself and serve my own selfish desires, but what would that really get me? Meaningless and fleeting possessions and momentary bits of happiness, mixed in with a lot of pain and broken relationships.
So I am back in the game with the boys. My number one job on this planet right now is to raise them according to God's plan for them. If they all grow up knowing and serving Jesus, I will have done the job that I have been given. They are my top priority and I hope they remain there until they are healthy, joyful young men of God.
Please continue to pray for us. I might make it look easy but raising four boys is really quite a task!! :) LOL!! I guess what I should say is, although I usually try to make light of things, it really is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder if the positive attitude I try to convey covers up the truth of what's really going on with me. I have been joking with people from church that if you really want to know what's going on with me you'll have to read my blog. It's too much for me to tell you the bad parts or the deep emotions I'm feeling when we are face to face. I feel like I'm so strange to be that way but I'd guess I'm not alone.
I feel optimistic about the future today. There is so much to do and the boys are a big responsibility. I just feel up to the challenge right now, I guess. I know I am loved and supported by a lot of amazing people. If God is for me, than who can be against me? It seems that He put me where I am exactly for this time. He knew what I would need. Thank you to everyone who is walking with us through this time in our lives!!!
I keep trying to look at my life as a very temporary situation. If I focus on God and the fact that this life isn't the main event, I am better able to deal with losing Sean. I am sad that I only got to be his wife for 9 years. Even when I get to heaven too, or Jesus comes back and heaven comes to this earth, I still won't be Sean's wife. I wonder if we will have any sort of special bond up there..... So anyway, back to my original thought. Knowing that my life here as I know it isn't really about me at all seems to help me a lot right now. I should be living this live to serve God and to love others with the love He gives me. That is my purpose. I could choose to live for myself and serve my own selfish desires, but what would that really get me? Meaningless and fleeting possessions and momentary bits of happiness, mixed in with a lot of pain and broken relationships.
So I am back in the game with the boys. My number one job on this planet right now is to raise them according to God's plan for them. If they all grow up knowing and serving Jesus, I will have done the job that I have been given. They are my top priority and I hope they remain there until they are healthy, joyful young men of God.
Please continue to pray for us. I might make it look easy but raising four boys is really quite a task!! :) LOL!! I guess what I should say is, although I usually try to make light of things, it really is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder if the positive attitude I try to convey covers up the truth of what's really going on with me. I have been joking with people from church that if you really want to know what's going on with me you'll have to read my blog. It's too much for me to tell you the bad parts or the deep emotions I'm feeling when we are face to face. I feel like I'm so strange to be that way but I'd guess I'm not alone.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Date Night
It's parent's night out at the Y tonight. I took the boys over there so I could have some time to myself. I was going to take myself on a date to the movies but then I felt so sad I came home. I think it's good for me to make time to allow myself to feel sad. I miss Sean so much. It's unreal most of the time that he is dead.
I don't understand how this could have happened. Everywhere I go, I have memories of him. We were a real family. That was really all I ever wanted. I had it good for 9 years. He was the best. I could be my real self all the time and he accepted it. He loved me. He was so amazing. I learned so much from him. It makes me crazy that someone so awesome had to die. He was growing so much as a person. He was the kind of person who made those around him better people too. He would listen and try to understand without judging.
I miss you, Sean. I will never stop loving you!!!
I don't understand how this could have happened. Everywhere I go, I have memories of him. We were a real family. That was really all I ever wanted. I had it good for 9 years. He was the best. I could be my real self all the time and he accepted it. He loved me. He was so amazing. I learned so much from him. It makes me crazy that someone so awesome had to die. He was growing so much as a person. He was the kind of person who made those around him better people too. He would listen and try to understand without judging.
I miss you, Sean. I will never stop loving you!!!
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