It's been so long since I posted anything. The Christmas season is upon us. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I guess I thought I'd just be so busy with all the excitement that I wouldn't miss Sean. I have really amazed myself with my foolish ideas about grieving. I have really tried to oversimplify it or just skip over it. I hate pity parties. I don't know how to grieve. I guess I've always moved on to new goals or wants when I didn't get what I wanted in the past. How do I move on from this when it's a loss that can never be made ok?
There is no way to replace Sean or to say that he wasn't truly amazing. I felt like I needed him and I couldn't live without him. I know that I can now, it's just that alot of times, I don't want to. I am going to be seeing a grief counselor because it's hard to enjoy anything lately. I want to deal with this all as openly as I can. I do want to get through it as quickly as I can. I think Sean would want me to meet this head on and not hide from any of the pain. I also think the kids deserve my best and I know I am not giving it to them right now. They deserve to have a healthy, happy mom who enjoys taking care of them and models what joyful living is all about.
I want to have my joy back again. God is bigger than my pain and I know He is in control and His ways are good and perfect. I hate that Sean died so young but I know I'm not seeing the whole story. Sean deserved to be rewarded with heaven. I think he is the best person I've ever known. I am happy for him that he finished the race and has been given his place in heaven.
I just hate it that we are left behind wondering how to live in his absence. I want to be a good enough mother to raise 4 little boys into wonderful men, even better than their father. That was what Sean wanted. If I can prepare 4 wonderful husbands, that alone will have a huge impact on the world. 4 young ladies will be able to be loved and cared for as God intended. 4 families will be out there in the world bringing God's kingdom to all who care to embrace it. That sounds like a wonderful and amazing thing to do with my life. I just need some help to be up to that challenge.
I am amazed by God's faithfulness in providing for us and sending people to love us. Thank you to the mystery givers from Phoenix and Tucson. I got a card recently and also one a while ago from Phoenix. I have no idea who you are but your gifts and your prayers are much appreciated. I have told people, "God sent us a gift today!" Thank you for doing God's work in providing for our physical needs but also for showing us the amazing power of love.
I can tell that people are praying for us because I know I wouldn't have made it this far with out a lot of spiritual intervention. Anything good that I have done is all the work of God in my life. I don't think I could have survived this experience without God pulling me through.
It blows me away that everyday more and more widows are being created. I hate that it is so common for families to go through what our family is going through. It is so sad that so many widows are really all alone in this world. I can't even imagine having to do this alone.
I am definitely fighting off depression right now. I can't go under, the boys are too important for me to lose anytime to it. Please pray for me to get a grip and for me to be able to go the extra mile with the boys in all situations. Please pray for the boys that they will make it through all this without emotional damage. I just hate it that they will have to miss their dad at every major event in their lives. I hate it that they had the best dad I've ever known and that they had to give him up so early. I hate it that Zeke never even had a chance at having any memories of his dad. Zeke loved Sean so much and he probably will never even know it as he grows up.
I think I could ramble on all night but I guess I better get to bed. It seems like I never want to get up in the morning anymore.
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1 comment:
I love you.
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