Going Under

Me, this morning, "I'm really sad because I miss Daddy."
Christopher, "I hardly ever think about Daddy anymore.  I have everything I need.  I don't even need a new Daddy."
I chose to focus on the "I have everything I need" statement.  I know that Christopher is not "over" the loss of his dad.  It will come up again over and over at various points in his life.  I am so thankful that he feels he has everything he needs.  God has been providing.  He is a father to the fatherless.

I wonder if/when I will feel like I have everything I need.  I miss Sean so much.  It is just getting harder and harder to feel alive without him.  Life is going on and I am trying to find the path for our family as it is now.  I know that our vision must change because we are missing an important part of our team, our leader.  I am now the leader and I must learn to stand strongly in that role.
I feel so unsure of everything right now.  I don't know where Christopher will go to 3rd grade next year, I don't know if God will provide private school for all three school age boys next year.  I don't know where I should be looking to buy a house for us that we can all fit in.  I know we need another bathroom.  I know we have to move, but where should we be?  It feels like a permanent choice since a mortgage is so binding.

I feel unsure of who will be around in our lives long term.  If the boys current school ends at 3rd grade, we will be moving on from there after a few years.  If the Bloom brothers get their dreams of moving to the country, they won't be here in town.  If church keeps growing, will we split into two churches?

It feels like there is nothing constant in my life.  I understand that life is all about changes and growth and that these are good things.  I just feel like I have no rock to cling to.  I don't what it looks like to only have Jesus as my rock.  I want some physical anchors in this world.  I have the boys and they need me to their anchor, so I will do my best.  I just feel like I don't know where we belong.  I feel like we are at the mercy of everyone else to take care of us.  I feel incomplete as a person and as a family without Sean.  I want to feel whole again.  I want to enjoy this life that God has given me.

I feel like I can't take anymore loss or big changes.  My good friend is getting married this spring and moving out of state.  I am so happy for her.  I think they will have a love like I knew with Sean.  True and genuine, coming together to be so much more than they could be on their own.  I will miss her so much but I am so happy to send her off into her "happily ever after."

It sure does seem like the better the boys are doing the worse I get.  I am internalizing all the stress of these big life decisions.  I have a headache all the time.  I have pain in my chest and armpits.  (Mammo showed nothing, I feel no lumps)  I really think that this is all related to me not knowing how to accept my own feelings and how to express them.  I have just been pushing them out and justifying everything and trying to be positive and always see the bright side.  But now I have a giant dark cloud inside of me that I can't escape from.

New thoughts

It's sure been a long time.  Is anyone even reading this?  It just seems to help me sort out my thoughts when I put them to words.
I've had so much on my mind, so many things to do, so many changes.
My grief seems to be progressing.  It is changing into a deeper longing and loneliness.  We are learning to live life without Sean.  I just miss who he was so much.  I loved to look into his eyes.  He could hold my attention for so long.  Just melting into his deep brown eyes.  I miss the softness of his jeans over the muscles of his legs.  I miss holding his hands, they were usually so rough.  Sometimes I'd rub lotion into them for him.
I feel like I can't let go and grieve without him here to support me in it.  He was so supportive of all of my feelings and the work I had to do just to find them.  He was the person I could share anything and everything with.  He was the person that would hold me and give me shelter from the storm.  He was my love.
I am realizing how lonely I am sometimes.  It's hard to get to that level of vulnerability and intimacy with anybody else.  Also, who else has time for all of that?  I know I am loved and cared for by so many people.  What an amazing blessing.  But no relationship will ever replace the marriage that I had. 
I feel like I'm gaining wisdom or just getting jaded.  I guess it's all about perspective.  Nothing seems to matter all that much anymore.  Is it wisdom like King Solomon's Ecclesiastes or just the apathy of depression?  I really wish there was a way to see the truth clearly.  Maybe I am just choosing not to see it.
When people ask me how I am, I'm never quite sure how to answer.  On the surface, mostly ok.  I am really working on getting our house in order.  It seems so dirty and cluttered.  I am getting rid of lots of stuff.  We really have way too much.  It just feels so overwhelming here sometimes.  Like I'm going under in chaos and mess and too much stuff.  I can't keep up with the boys sometimes with all the messes that they make.
I feel like I bounce from one project to another and never get anything done.  It's like I go in circles all day, hoping to catch my breath, only to do it again and again and again.
Sometimes I have a positive attitude, sometimes I really wonder what I'm supposed to be so happy about that I am the one that is still alive.  It's hard raising kids.  It consumes me.  I wonder if I'm just not doing a good enough job.  Would someone else do a better job?  But then I think about how devastated the kids would be if they lost me.  Then I know that I have to do everything I can to stay healthy and give all that I can to the boys.  I am the mom they were given and no matter how I fail, they will always want me to be their mom. 
Lots of stuff going through my head these days.  Glad I could get some of it out!

What is family?

I've been thinking a lot about what makes a family.  I have often felt like the boys and I aren't really a family anymore now that Sean died.  I know that's not true but I guess this new set up isn't ever what I pictured family life to be like.  Who would choose to have 4 kids all by themselves?  As I was typing that I thought of a couple people I have heard of so I know it happens.  It's just not very common.

I just always liked being a "typical" family.  I enjoyed being different because we had four boys.  I loved going places with all of us together.  I really liked that we were all so happy together.  It was great being the assistant coach to the best coach and team in the whole world.  I never wanted to be the boss of this family.  I was perfectly happy being the backbone.

I am getting used to being the highest authority in the family.  I am starting to feel like we are a still a real family.  Things are getting better in some ways and harder in others.  Our family dynamic is greatly improving.  I think I'm much more even keel with the kids.  I haven't been having such a roller coaster ride with my emotions (or maybe hormones.....).  Christopher is so much calmer and better behaved that people have been asking if he's on medication.   He's not.  I've changed the way I deal with him and he seems to be responding quite well.

Jake has been having a lot more trouble.  He seems so much like me.  He just won't open up and share his deep feelings.  He has been so emotional lately.  He gets so upset and thinks that he is never treated fairly.  He says he never gets treats/his way/etc almost every day.  He has been getting plenty of treats and getting what he wants often.  It worries me that he is showing such a sense of entitlement.  He seems willing to take the victim role. 

Another thing Jake has been doing is getting upset when I tell him to get ready for school or to put his shoes on or get ready for bed.  You get the picture.  He says, "Why do I have to .........?  I do that almost every day.  I don't want to do that.  It's too hard.  Why can't you do it for me?  I just don't get how he can make such a big deal out of such small things.  It makes me wonder what the real issue is.

It's just the way it goes that as soon as Christopher starts improving, Jake starts acting out.  David has been a handful since Sean died but I think he's getting better  too.  It's a lot of work to choose one or two behaviors for each boy and then stay consistent working on them.  That's four to eight behaviors 24 hours a day!  I am so drained by the end of every night.  I am proud of myself if I can make it all day being fully engaged with them.  It's a huge job.  Then there's all the other "business" to tend to.  Running a house requires so much.  It seems like the appointments are never ending. 

I have also been thinking a lot about our extended family.  What makes them family?  Are we technically still family?  I'm not legally related to the Bloom side anymore but the kids are.  How does that work?  I know none of it matters anyway.  I've come to the conclusion that family is a choice and a commitment.  There are lots of people out there who walk away from their birth family and never look back.  I don't want to be that way.  I am choosing to stay committed to my entire family.  I am trying to make an effort with everyone but there just doesn't seem to be enough time or energy in the day to make contact with everyone that I am thinking of.

Battery is almost dead and so is my brain.  Guess this is it for the night.

December is here already

It's been so long since I posted anything.  The Christmas season is upon us.  It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I guess I thought I'd just be so busy with all the excitement that I wouldn't miss Sean.  I have really amazed myself with my foolish ideas about grieving.  I have really tried to oversimplify it or just skip over it.  I hate pity parties.  I don't know how to grieve.  I guess I've always moved on to new goals or wants when I didn't get what I wanted in the past.  How do I move on from this when it's a loss that can never be made ok?
There is no way to replace Sean or to say that he wasn't truly amazing.  I felt like I needed him and I couldn't live without him.  I know that I can now, it's just that alot of times, I don't want to.  I am going to be seeing a grief counselor because it's hard to enjoy anything lately.  I want to deal with this all as openly as I can.  I do want to get through it as quickly as I can.  I think Sean would want me to meet this head on and not hide from any of the pain.  I also think the kids deserve my best and I know I am not giving it to them right now.  They deserve to have a healthy, happy mom who enjoys taking care of them and models what joyful living is all about.
I want to have my joy back again.  God is bigger than my pain and I know He is in control and His ways are good and perfect.  I hate that Sean died so young but I know I'm not seeing the whole story.  Sean deserved to be rewarded with heaven.  I think he is the best person I've ever known.  I am happy for him that he finished the race and has been given his place in heaven.
I just hate it that we are left behind wondering how to live in his absence.  I want to be a good enough mother to raise 4 little boys into wonderful men, even better than their father.  That was what Sean wanted.  If I can prepare 4 wonderful husbands, that alone will have a huge impact on the world.  4 young ladies will be able to be loved and cared for as God intended.  4 families will be out there in the world bringing God's kingdom to all who care to embrace it.  That sounds like a wonderful and amazing thing to do with my life.  I just need some help to be up to that challenge.
I am amazed by God's faithfulness in providing for us and sending people to love us.  Thank you to the mystery givers from Phoenix and Tucson.  I got a card recently and also one a while ago from Phoenix.  I have no idea who you are but your gifts and your prayers are much appreciated.  I have told people, "God sent us a gift today!"  Thank you for doing God's work in providing for our physical needs but also for showing us the amazing power of love.
I can tell that people are praying for us because I know I wouldn't have made it this far with out a lot of spiritual intervention.  Anything good that I have done is all the work of God in my life.  I don't think I could have survived this experience without God pulling me through.
It blows me away that everyday more and more widows are being created.  I hate that it is so common for families to go through what our family is going through.  It is so sad that so many widows are really all alone in this world.  I can't even imagine having to do this alone.
I am definitely fighting off depression right now.  I can't go under, the boys are too important for me to lose anytime to it.  Please pray for me to get a grip and for me to be able to go the extra mile with the boys in all situations.  Please pray for the boys that they will make it through all this without emotional damage.  I just hate it that they will have to miss their dad at every major event in their lives.  I hate it that they had the best dad I've ever known and that they had to give him up so early.  I hate it that Zeke never even had a chance at having any memories of his dad.  Zeke loved Sean so much and he probably will never even know it as he grows up.
I think I could ramble on all night but I guess I better get to bed.  It seems like I never want to get up in the morning anymore.

Thoughts about blessings

I have been so blown away by God's love for us lately. He is providing for our every need and bringing amazing people into our lives. I just can't even express the wonder and mystery of it all. I guess no one can when trying to explain God.
Yesterday a group of people came over to do our yard work and load up all the junk that's been hanging around our yard for way too long. They filled a trailer so full that I don't even know how Kris is going to haul it away!
The gang was amazing. It was a mix of teens and grownups. Some of the adults had heard that the kids were coming to help and they asked if they could help too. It's amazing to me that teenagers would want to volunteer their time to me. I was not that kind of teen. I bet my life would have gone a lot differently if I was!
After all their hard work, they even offered to take us out for pizza. That was humbling too. I am learning to receive God's blessing without feeling ashamed or like I need to pay it all back. People hear God's call to help and they obey. It doesn't even have to be about me at all even though they are coming to serve me. If God calls, we better obey!
The verse of the day on my phone was John 8:36. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." That kept coming to mind as so much goodness was being showered upon us yesterday. God has set me free from shame. He doesn't want me to apologize for having needs. He is using my needs to show me His great love for me. He is bringing His body together to help us and to show us that we really are one great big family. There is no limit to what can be accomplished when we work together according to God's call for His purposes.
I'm looking forward to the day when my boys and I can be part of a work crew to bless someone else who needs it. I'm listening now for the Holy Spirit to guide me and show me what I can do right now to be a part of the "blessing cycle".
I know that people have different seasons of need and giving. I know that right now, we are in a season of need. But, we can still give in different ways. I find it all so amazing.
God is in control of everything. Sean used to say, "Don't worry about that, my Dad's the King." He would tell me that when I was worried about money or not having something that I thought we needed. He wanted me to know that God can provide all things in abundance for those who trust in Him. God is proving faithful every step of the way!
Yesterday I was telling Kris that I just couldn't believe all the things that were being taken care of for us. He said, "God just wants to show you how much He loves you." My first thought was, "Why didn't he just let Sean live?" But if He had, I never would have had all these opportunities to see God's love come through His people.
I might not have gotten to understand the way God's economy works. God owns everything. He lets us use it until it's time to pass it on to the next person that God wants it to go to. I love to see this in action. It's great when the thing that you are done with is the very thing that someone else is in need of. It's the same with our time and money. Not that we are done with it but that we can choose to use it to bless others. We are not all called for the same jobs or to give to the same people. It's great to know that if we are all listening to the Spirit, everything gets done and no one is overburdened or burned out.
I'm just starting to really get this and I'm sure I have much to learn. I am just so blown away by the way people are reaching out to help us. It seems like six months have gone by now and people should be forgetting about us. But they aren't. As lonely as life can feel sometimes, we are not alone. We are loved by the biggest God there ever could be and we are loved by lots of people. I don't understand why, but I know it's true.

We have been so busy!  Our pancake breakfast fundraiser was amazing.  We raised almost enough to pay for the rest of the school year!  I think we only need $145 to finish it up.  How amazing!!  There was a good turn out and it was lots of fun.  So many people came to help out with the event that it all seemed to come together just right.  Thank you helpers!!

We also had a birthday party for a friend here at our house last night.  It was a big day but so full of fun and blessings.  We had the privilege of meeting another Jacob who is 9 years old.  He was so sweet and polite.  After the party was over, Christopher told me that Jacob was sad for him because his dad died.  I asked what Jacob said.  Christopher told me that Jacob prayed with him.  Wow!  What an amazing kid! 

I can't believe how busy we have been.  It's good to keep us going but I am ready for a break.  It's just that the boys aren't really into resting at this point in life.  I think we'll go out to pick some fruit today.  At least I'll be sitting down while I drive us out there!

We camped at Lake Roosevelt last weekend.  After getting home and sleeping on it, I determined that it was a good trip and we would do it again.  It was hard for me emotionally but also good for me to know that camping is doable without Sean.  My friends took some of the burden off of me so I could ease into the whole thing without Sean.  They took care of all the meals and helped out so much with the boys.  They had the big kids out on a boat all day Saturday.  Boy did they sleep good that night!!

Although it's been really hard lately for me in the grief process, I am also seeing God's love too.  I am learning to really lean on Him and seek him out in ways that I most likely never would have before losing Sean.  Sean was my spiritual leader and so full of wisdom that I would usually take the easy way and just go ask Sean.  It's alot different to pray and listen and wait for an answer.  God's voice and leading are so different.  It seems though, that we are actually starting to have conversations.  I hadn't really experienced that before.  It's true that we have to practice the presence of God.  He's always there, we just don't really know how to tune into Him.  Lord, please keep growing me.  I want to hear and obey!

I don't understand why Sean couldn't stay here to finish this race with me.  I do see all the growth in my life and in those around me.  I do see Sean's life and death making an impact on others.  Sometimes I think really pessimistic thoughts about life and humanity.  It seems that people live and die and don't really matter much after they pass on.  We make people so important while they are with us and then just forget about them when they are no longer present.  I want Sean's life and death to matter for a long time to come.  I want to see people making positive changes in their lives because of Sean's example.  I want to pass on all the amaziing things about Sean to his sons. 

Sean was creating a legacy of involved and loving fathering.  He was changing the whole course of our family tree.  We both grew up pretty distant from our fathers.  We both felt the heartache of having that longing for something more.  Sean was not going to let our boys feel that.  He lived for family time.  It makes no sense to me why a man whose primary desire was to be here for his family had to die so young.  So many men are out there living for themselves and just giving the minimum to their wives and children.  Why did a man who was wanting to help other men love and serve their families have to leave this world so early?  He was doing so much that seemed so important.  I know that God can continue that work through anybody.  I just wish it was through Sean.  I would love to go back to the comfortable life we had together.  Boy was it good!  

I miss Sean's strength and love.  I miss him touching me.  I miss the snuggles and looking into his eyes.  I miss his hugs after having a hard day.  I miss talking to him over coffee in the morning.  I miss rubbing his back and arms while he drifted off to sleep.  I miss seeing him walk in the door.  I miss seeing the boys light up and go running out to greet him.  I miss the sound of his voice.  I miss his big shoes.  I miss putting away his laundry.  I miss dinner conversations.  I miss seeing Sean get the boys motivated to clean up after dinner.  I miss his kisses and his soft but scratchy neck.  I miss holding his hand at church.  I miss just about everything about him.

Coffee with God?

Wouldn't it be great to go for coffee with God?


"Hello, God.  So nice of You to meet me here.  How did You know just what sort of drink I was in the mood for?"

So, I just have some questions for You, God.  What am I supposed to be doing with my life right now?  Last night our pastor talked about the paralytic man who had these excuses for why he never got healed.  He didn't want to answer the question, Do you want to be healed?  Well, I don't even know what my excuses are.

I did realize that I still haven't really developed much patience.  I always think I am making progress and maybe I am.  I guess I might just mistake my progress for having completed the process.  Guess that comes with death.  Or will I be impatiently waiting to get to heaven?  "What took you so long, God?  I was expecting to see You sooner."

So, why don't I want to be healed?  Or, why won't I let Jesus heal me?  Maybe I think I have to do it all.  Or be DOING it.  Maybe I don't want to let Jesus do it for me.  Maybe I'm afraid He'll let me down.  Yeah, like He won't do it the way I want and I won't like it.  Why am I so afraid to let Him do his thing?  I can see that my ways aren't very effective.  I think my main fear is that God won't do anything.  What if He really doesn't care?  I know He is real and I know that He is good.  I guess I just wonder if I matter to Him.  Did He really create ME in "an amazing and wonderful way"?  It seems so silly to say when I see it in writing.  But it's something deep inside me that I seem to wrestle with frequently.  I can see how self centered the thinking is.

So back to the what am I supposed to be doing right now question.  I have no idea how to grieve.  I have come to see emotions as weakness over the years.  During my childhood and teenage years I decided to give up feelings.  They just seemed to make trouble and cause pain.  So I stuffed them away and tried to focus on good times and fun.  I decided that if I didn't value myself, I would never be underestimated by anybody else.  Then I could never be disappointed.  Any act of kindness or display of love shown to me would just be bonus.
So now what?  I am supposed to be sad right now.  Sean was amazing and it would be so dishonoring to him to not be sad.  I am devastated.  I am still in shock I think.  I'm still asking myself how this happened.  But that deep down inside protection mechanism keeps trying to block it all out.  My inner peoples are fighting like crazy.  No wonder I'm so dang tired lately.  There's a war going on so deep in there that I'm not even fully aware of it.  I went so crazy right after Sean died that I couldn't see it at all.  I'm scared I'm still loony but completely unaware of it.  Sean would always call me on my crazy thoughts.  He was just so awesome.  I really miss his insight and his gentle strength.