New thoughts

It's sure been a long time.  Is anyone even reading this?  It just seems to help me sort out my thoughts when I put them to words.
I've had so much on my mind, so many things to do, so many changes.
My grief seems to be progressing.  It is changing into a deeper longing and loneliness.  We are learning to live life without Sean.  I just miss who he was so much.  I loved to look into his eyes.  He could hold my attention for so long.  Just melting into his deep brown eyes.  I miss the softness of his jeans over the muscles of his legs.  I miss holding his hands, they were usually so rough.  Sometimes I'd rub lotion into them for him.
I feel like I can't let go and grieve without him here to support me in it.  He was so supportive of all of my feelings and the work I had to do just to find them.  He was the person I could share anything and everything with.  He was the person that would hold me and give me shelter from the storm.  He was my love.
I am realizing how lonely I am sometimes.  It's hard to get to that level of vulnerability and intimacy with anybody else.  Also, who else has time for all of that?  I know I am loved and cared for by so many people.  What an amazing blessing.  But no relationship will ever replace the marriage that I had. 
I feel like I'm gaining wisdom or just getting jaded.  I guess it's all about perspective.  Nothing seems to matter all that much anymore.  Is it wisdom like King Solomon's Ecclesiastes or just the apathy of depression?  I really wish there was a way to see the truth clearly.  Maybe I am just choosing not to see it.
When people ask me how I am, I'm never quite sure how to answer.  On the surface, mostly ok.  I am really working on getting our house in order.  It seems so dirty and cluttered.  I am getting rid of lots of stuff.  We really have way too much.  It just feels so overwhelming here sometimes.  Like I'm going under in chaos and mess and too much stuff.  I can't keep up with the boys sometimes with all the messes that they make.
I feel like I bounce from one project to another and never get anything done.  It's like I go in circles all day, hoping to catch my breath, only to do it again and again and again.
Sometimes I have a positive attitude, sometimes I really wonder what I'm supposed to be so happy about that I am the one that is still alive.  It's hard raising kids.  It consumes me.  I wonder if I'm just not doing a good enough job.  Would someone else do a better job?  But then I think about how devastated the kids would be if they lost me.  Then I know that I have to do everything I can to stay healthy and give all that I can to the boys.  I am the mom they were given and no matter how I fail, they will always want me to be their mom. 
Lots of stuff going through my head these days.  Glad I could get some of it out!